


Fated to Fail

by ymeer



Category: Dragon Age II, Dragon Age: Inquisition, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Dirty Talk, Fluff, M/M, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-15
Updated: 2015-06-28
Packaged: 2018-03-18 00:58:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3550175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ymeer/pseuds/ymeer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Back in the circle, a month or so before the fall of the circle and with rumors of the Blight spreading, Anders decides it's time to take action.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Basic facts for the setting.  
> Anders is around 20, Cullen is probably 22 ish. Anders has passed his harrowing.  
> Basically, Anders needs some things before he leaves and Cullen is the only one he trusts to get for him.

"Cullen." Anders had snuck up behind a bookshelf, and was now peering at the Templar between two parts of the same encyclopedia.

Cullen jumped, looking frantically around the room before he turned around to face Anders with a scolding look. "Anders?" The mage hadn't spoken to him since after he'd passed his harrowing. 

"Nice observation. Now, I know you're going on leave for a few days and I just thought you could pick up some things for me." Anders mentioned it casually as if it wouldn't be some form of treason. 

"Pick up some.. _Anders!_ That's illegal and you know it." Cullen tried to pretend that he was shocked that Anders would ask such a thing. 

"Mmm, illegal and juicy. Someone's trying to fashion phalluses out of broken chair legs again. I don't want to get splinters, but everyone else is having fun without me. I can't have that." Anders grinned devilishily, looking at Cullen. "I want a real authentic one, one that's not going to give me splinters. And a book, and maybe a kiss if you can manage it. I'm bored."

Cullen stammered for a few seconds before turning red. "You are....agh, there's enough books here, and you don't need a..a phallus."

Anders pouted, resting his chin on the bookshelf. "Come on Cullen, I'm working my way through recreating every one of the reasonable circle stories. Right now I'm working with The Naughty Mage and the Sexually Inexperienced but Bashful Templar. And, well, I'm not letting any of those other wretched trash heaps of hulking metal and twisted morals get anywhere near my lips. Or any other parts of me. Not without a fight, at least." He drifted off for a moment, his face twisting up in a disgusted fashion before looking back at Cullen. "It's only a few favours." 

"What...why am _I_ the Sexually Inadequate but Bashful Templar?!" Cullen blurted out, disturbing some mages huddled over their books on a nearby table. 

"You want to be the Naughty Mage instead?" Anders asked curiously, relishing in the color of Cullen's face, which was currently a bright red. 

"No! You're the Naughty Mage!" The templar whispered to Anders through the shelf, his fists clenched. 

"After you get me my things, we can finish the story up. I need the book first, though. Especially the book, the phallus is secondary."

"A book for sex? You're the experienced one." Cullen stammered, picking up a book and pretending to read it. 

"Maker, no. It's a book on illegal minor shapeshifting." Anders sighed wistfully, leaning over a bit through the shelf to see what Cullen was pretending to read. It didn't look all that interesting. 

"You want me to give you an illegal book illegally? Anders!" 

"It's not illegal for any actual reason. Come on, it won't hurt anyone. It's just going to be um...for me." Anders was getting embarrassed now as well. "Please? Don't you want to know how the rest of the story of The Naughty Mage and the S--"

"Don't say the title again, just go on with it." Cullen was turning red again.

"Fine. So, after we kiss and you come back with my stuff, I go and fix up my body a bit with the stuff from the book you give me. This part isn't in the story, by the way. This next part is, though. Anyways, you come back to speak to me afterwards, and I take you into a storage closet, and then I take off my robes. I'm not wearing anything underneath, and since you can actually _lock_ the door, we don't have to worry about being interrupted. You're not really sure what to do, though, so you're just looking at me, and you really want to touch me, but you're not so sure how because you're still wearing all that horrible pretentious armour. So I watch you take it off while I play with myself a little, mostly just getting myself interested." Anders was getting his storytelling voice prepared, and he looked over at Cullen to see the templar shuffling his feet - a sure sign of his arousal. The mage smiled smugly before continuing. "So you've got your armour off, and you look at me, and I'm pretty much the most beautiful thing you've ever seen. Of course I am, right Cullen?"

Cullen nodded a bit as he pretended to read. Thankfully, all the other people in this section of the library had left. It was around dinnertime. "Keep going?"

"Mhm, don't worry. I've got you. After this, you go back to your room and rub one out while thinking of me, okay?" Anders murmured, toying with his hair as he spoke. "So, we're back in the closet, and I'm looking at your cock, and I want to suck it till you're hard and ready enough to go inside of me. Right? So I kneel down and mouth at it for a little while before taking it in. I'm one of the best cocksuckers in the circle, you know. I bet you do. All the while, though, I'm getting myself ready with that grease spell and my other hand. You're getting close, what with my mouth and watching me ride my hand. And because you haven't ever had sex like this before, and you want to know what my ass feels like, don't you?"

Cullen squeezed his eyes shut and nodded a bit, whining quietly, his hands holding the book so tight that his knuckles were whitening. 

"So I'll pull away and sit you down in a conveniently placed chair. Maybe we'll kiss while I get you all ready. And then I'll ride you until we're both whining for it and giving each other needy, perfect kisses, because there's not a lot of time and it feels _good_. I'll come a little bit before you, and then we'll both sit there, sated with you still in me until it's time for us to go back....Cullen?"

The templar was leaning against the bookshelf, looking at Anders with a flushed face as he breathed heavily. "Yes?"

"Too much?"

"No, just right." Cullen murmured, letting the book drop to the floor. "Do you have a list of the things you want me to get for you?"

Anders smiled, reaching through the bookshelf to press his finger on Cullen's lips in a 'shhhh' position as he slipped a sheet of paper across with his other hand. "Thank you."

"You don't have to have sex with me just to get this stuff. I'll...do it for free." Cullen muttered, pulling away from the mage's hands. 

"I'm going to have a perfect brand new dick to try out when I get that book, Cullen. I want to try it out on you, see how good it feels to have sex the right way."

"Maker, you overshare."

"I'm a giver." Anders smiled. "Go, your shift changed two minutes ago. You're off work for the night."

"Talk to you after I get back." Cullen nodded, grabbing the paper.

"Wait, you have to kiss me first, you fool." Anders was smiling as he walked out from behind the shelf. 

"Fine." Cullen flushed again, stepping forward and giving the mage a quick kiss on the cheek before running off to his room.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't really know what this is but here, I'll publish it anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluff and Angst as per usual  
> also it's pretty much all dialogue

Cullen's covert operation had gone off smoothly. Anders had given him an address to a connection who had gotten him all the materials, and he simply gave the shopkeeper the coin Anders had given him (how the mage had managed to smuggle that into the tower, Cullen didn't even _want_ to know) and went off with the package of things. 

Nobody checked templars when they were returning. It was nothing like the small herbalism excursions that youngsters would sometimes come back from, where they'd be forced to confiscate all outside materials and dictate everything that had happened on the trip. Cullen simply got a pat on the back by some of his colleagues and a "find any good girls in the tavern?" from some of his more rowdy friends. He had shaken his head and taken Anders' stuff, along with some things he'd brought for himself, up to his room. 

The room Cullen had was lavish compared to the ones the apprentice mages in the circle had, but templar recruits didn't have it much better either (or so he thought). Mostly, though, it was private, and he relished that more than anything. Especially since now he had illegal materials sitting in a wrapped package next to him.

Cullen had thought things were going fine, until he handed the package to Anders and walked off, trying to make things seem as discreet as possible. 

Until, of course, Anders didn't speak to him. 

It wasn't that Anders was overly talkative, but Cullen had just figured he'd get a 'thanks', or something from the mage. Or maybe he just wanted to talk to the healer again. Either way, he was getting more and more worried about Anders. The mage had become sullen, and he sort of resembled the ghost of a man he'd been when leaving solitary a while back. One evening, Cullen caught Anders walking by and moved to walk beside him. 

"A-ahem. This is the templar quarters area of the circle, you're not allowed." Cullen tried to clear his throat as an introduction, although it only made him sound sickly. 

"It's faster." Anders kept his head down as he tried to outpace the templar, not looking up at him. 

Cullen looked around to ensure that nobody else would see before whispering. "Are you alright?"

Anders paused, his feet scraping on the stone floor before shaking his head. "Not particularly. Are you free?"

"You know every templar in this building's schedule to the minute, Anders." (Cullen had figured out this particular tidbit during one of the mage's previous escapes) "I'm done for the day, I was just...heading back to my chambers. You're..ah, you're welcome to come."

"We're not having sex right now, just so you know." Anders murmured, glancing at Cullen as he started walking again. 

"What? Of course not. I didn't even...Maker, Anders. I just thought we could talk...okay?" 

The mage sighed before nodding slowly, leading the way to Cullen's room despite the fact that nobody had ever told him where it was. It figured that he knew all the ins and outs of the circle.

As the door shut behind them, Anders sat down in a chair, looking warily up at Cullen. "So."

"So, you're .. you're not okay?" Cullen asked, walking to the corner of the room to take off some of his bulky armour.

"I mean, I am. I'm very okay. I'm happy, I'm glad, really." Anders sighed - the minutia of this particular conversation were difficult to discuss with even the most aware of individuals. "Maker, I can't explain."

Cullen nodded, organizing his armour in a chest before walking over to the bed and sitting down on its edge. "Anders, if you get caught.."

The mage's eyes widened, and he shook his head fervently. "It won't come back to you. I mean, not if I can help it. And before you ask, yes, it's pretty much permanent. In the sense that no templar could even start to reverse the spell no matter how much lyrium they shoved into their bodies." Anders grinned a bit, looking pleased with himself. "If you're worried, why did you do it? I told you that you didn't have to do it."

"We're ah...friends, right? So I did it for that." Cullen shrugged a bit, looking at the floor. 

"We're not friends. You're a templar." Anders specified, his voice suddenly carrying a bit of a bite to it. 

"I haven't _done_ the things the other templars have. I.." Cullen trailed off, his hands worrying at the covers of his bed. "We played chess together that one time. Enemies don't play chess with one another." 

"Yes they do. All the time, I'm sure." Anders sighed, walking over to sit next to Cullen and putting his hand on top of one of the templar's, effectively stilling its movement. "We can't be friends because you've watched young mages go about their lives knowing fully well what a harrowing is like, with the real power to do something about it, and then you watch them fail, or you watch them become tranquil. Maker, I don't know, maybe you've even made someone tranquil." Anders' actions were becoming more and more oppositional to his words, as he leaned against Cullen, resting his head on the other man's shoulder. "But we don't have to be friends to be two people in need of comfort. Plus, I think one day we could be friends."

"One day?" Cullen asked, turning to look at Anders before shaking his head. "That would mean I would have to stop being a templar. You know I can't."

"Says who? Bigger, badder templars who need you to be subordinate to them in order for them to continue treating mages like dirt? Come on, Cullen. I bet you could do it." Anders squeezed Cullen's hand, looking at a nondescript spot on the wall. 

"Maker, Anders. No I can't. Stop...stop it." Cullen pulled away, leaving Anders to waver uncertainly in the air before he righted himself. 

"Hey, I was using that." Anders pouted, looking mournfully at the shoulder he'd been using as a pillow. 

"Well you're not using it any more." 

"No, I guess I'm not." Sighing, Anders flopped backwards down onto the bed. After all, he wasn't planning on going anywhere. "I do think you can do it. One day."

"Stop idealizing me." Cullen muttered, sliding down to lay next to Anders. "Wasn't this about you not being alright? Did everything go okay?"

"Yeah, all according to plan. I just don't know what to do now, I haven't got a plan anymore. I guess I'll just escape again." Anders mused, turning over to face Cullen. 

"Shouldn't you not be telling me that?" Cullen knew he wouldn't tell anyone, but he wanted to remind Anders not to be so trusting just in case one day someone would take advantage of that trust. 

"Like I said, I haven't got any more plans. I don't really know what I'm doing." Anders smiled a bit, meeting Cullen's eyes. "But honestly, did you think I was going to _not_ try and escape again?"

"I thought the solitary sort of...stopped that."

"Stopped _what?_ " Anders paused, looking at Cullen. "What, you think keeping me locked up alone for a year is going to make me somehow enthusiastic about staying locked up in this tower for the rest of my life?" The mage frowned, considering something. "How can you know about that and still be alright with being a templar?"

"When you sign up for being a templar, you don't sign up for keeping people locked away alone. You just...listen, Anders, I thought it was a good thing. I was protecting mages from demons and...protecting everyone else too." Cullen tried to meet the mage's eyes as he said it, his voice regretful. 

"You want to know how to protect mages from demons? I'll show you." Anders looked determined as he suddenly spun around, his head resting on the pillow. He motioned for Cullen to come up next to him, and thoughtlessly, Cullen did so. Pulling up the covers, Anders kicked off his shoes and slipped under them, Cullen followed his motion, although the templar was still confused. 

They were now face to face, but Anders wasn't finished yet. Resting his head against Cullen's chest, he closed his eyes. "Hold me and then repeat after me." 

Cullen wasn't exactly sure what was happening. If he was being asked to say something, perhaps it was some sort of spell? Still, he nodded, wrapping his arms around Anders and pulling the mage close. 

"Say, 'Anders, you are safe. You're not alone, and the only one you have to answer to is yourself.'" Anders murmured, wrapping an arm around Cullen's back as he dictated.

"I..ah, alright. Anders, you are safe. You're not alone, and the only one you have to answer to is yourself." Cullen repeated, still unsure what the purpose of this was. 

"Uh, wow. Then, say 'There's always hope, sometimes you just can't see it. You are more powerful than they ever will be.'" Anders voice sounded a little choked up, but he managed to finish speaking without any audible tears. 

"There...there's always hope, sometimes you just can't see it. You are more powerful than they will ever be." Cullen stammered, closing his eyes.

After that, there was silence. 

"Anders?" Cullen asked after a moment. "What was that?"

"That's how to stop a mage from turning to blood magic. Not with all this, not with fear. It's just making things worse. You just have to remind us that we're safe and that people care. It wasn't real, of course. I mean, I was just telling you to say those things. For...for an example. Like a lesson in how to treat mages. I figured you've just been learning how to treat mages badly since day one, I should probably try and make up for it a bit." Anders paused for a second, turning his head and leaning back a bit so that he could make eye contact with Cullen. "It's what I'd need to hear, at least. If things ever got that bad."

"Do you really think that's the answer?"

"No, but I know this isn't. None of this circle shit. A bunch of nugs wearing nothing but elaborate heeled shoes from Antiva could be better 'champions of the just' than templars."

"You dislike templars." Cullen observed, looking at the mage he was currently holding close. 

"Yes." Anders admitted, looking back at Cullen's chest. 

"So...why this?" Looking down at Anders, Cullen couldn't see where dislike came into play. 

Anders scoffed. "I told you already, I think we could be friends one day. Plus, you need me."

"I.. _what_?!"

"Without a mage to show you what mages are really like, that we're not just abominations waiting to happen, you'll just end up like the rest of them, calling for rites of annulment and smiting me whenever I step out of line." Anders argued, closing his eyes. "Plus, it was nice hearing someone say those things to me for once."

"The things you had me repeat?" Cullen asked, wondering if perhaps Anders had needed them more than he had initially let on. 

"Mhm..." Anders was now tangling his legs up with Cullen's as he looked for a comfortable spot to lay down. "Hush now, I've got a private room and I'm going to enjoy it."

"Private? I'm here." Cullen objected, reaching up to Anders' hair to untie it. 

"You don't count. You're cuddly. I don't mind not having the room to myself if I've got someone's arms wrapped around me." Anders murmured, letting out a pleasured sigh when he found the perfect spot on the bed to lay. 

"Patrol goes by your quarters in three hours." Cullen reminded the mage, who looked as if he couldn't be bothered. 

"I'll tell them I was taking a massive shit." Anders was obviously done with conversation.

" _Anders_ " Cullen scolded, pulling the mage close again. 

"Don't worry, I'll be back in time. Nobody is getting caught tonight." 

With that, Anders closed his eyes, cozying up to the other man before drifting off into a blissful nap.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of times after surgeries, despite the fact that they're the right thing, a lot of discussion is needed and I figured Anders didn't plan for or get that sort of discussion (for a lot of people there's a lot of the 'what now' sort of thing going on), so that's some of his mood problems in the beginning of the story.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Basically more talking. Anders inserts my favorite domesticity idea that will never happen. RIP domesticity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me while writing this chapter: "Im gonna write smut I'm gonna do it."  
> Many words later: *one kiss that isn't even described*
> 
> next chapter... I promise ;n;

Anders was going to be late. A flurry of possible situations rushed through Cullen's mind - the mage could get caught, the mage could be rushing back to his quarters and take a nasty tumble down the stairs. Anything could happen. Unable to sleep, Cullen merely pulled Anders closer, worrying profusely as time slowly moved onward. 

"Mmmph." Anders stirred, letting out a breath before turning to look up at Cullen. "You."

"Did I do something?" Cullen asked, wondering if Anders was accusing him. 

"You woke me up..." Mumbling, Anders pushed Cullen over a bit so that he could rest on the other blond's chest. "I don't need to be up yet."

"I didn't mean to wake you up. Um...Anders? You do need to be up yet. Now. I mean you need to be up now." Cullen was incredibly confused, as the mage was now nuzzling up to him a bit. 

Cullen was warm, perhaps it was that he was more used to temperatures outside the circle and thus was more adjusted, or maybe it was just because Anders missed laying next to people. Either way, the man's chest was a godsend. Anders made a note to thank the maker for designing such a tool of comfort. Combined with Cullen's arms, which were solid but gentle around him, Anders wondered if he'd perhaps died and was now living out some fantasy within the fade. "Hush." He murmured, laying a gentle kiss on the bone between Cullen's pectorals.

"No...no you have to get up. Anders." Cullen tried tugging on Anders' hair so the mage would stop lavishing affections on his chest. Instead, he simply got Anders looking up at him with a pout that could bring down kingdoms. 

"Please? I don't want to go back." Anders was pleading, and he glanced towards the door of the room as if it might seriously injure him. "I don't want to go back. I want to be lazy and...Maker, Cullen, how do you ever expect me to even be able to leave while you're running your fingers through my hair like that." 

Cullen looked at his hand as if it didn't belong to him - he wasn't sure when he'd started doing that. "Sorry."

Smiling slightly, Anders sighed. "You're ridiculous. You and your wandering hands."

"They're not wandering!" Cullen protested, making sure his hands were pressed firmly to the bed as to ensure there would be no more 'wandering'. "They were distracted. Plus, you make it sound dirty. It wasn't...dirty."

Anders rolled his eyes, nodding as he sat up. "Hush, it's fine. I'll be back, the next patrol doesn't come round till morning, so you've got me for the night." The nap appeared as if it had rejuvenated the mage a bit, as Anders wasn't looking nearly as sullen, although there were lines from where the folds in the bedsheets had pressed up against his cheek for a little too long on his face. "Assuming that's alright with you? Your bed is a lot nicer than mine is. I think mine might be stuffed with a mix of decade old hay and shredded paper from banned books. I know the book part is true, at least." 

Cullen scoffed a little bit, getting out of bed and nodding as he looked back to the sheets - unsure as to why he'd left it in the first place. After all, he didn't have to anywhere. He could've just stayed in bed, it would probably have been nicer. He leaned up on his tip toes a bit, reacting to the suddenly very cold floor. "Right. Books, wait, Maker. You're coming tonight, I'll get something to snack on in the morning so you won't have to leave. Or...right? That's.." Cullen realized halfway through his sentence that he didn't need to say _everything_ he was thinking out loud, and he sighed as he looked to the floor. "See you in a bit, Anders."

"Alright." Anders practically breezed out the door, shutting it behind him with what looked suspiciously like air magic. 

=====

Cullen wasn't exactly sure when Anders would return, so he prepared what he thought was a suitable amount of food before retreating to his bed, shifting around on the covers until he got comfortable enough to pick up one of his books and start reading. He was bored, really, but he didn't want to fall asleep just in case Anders returned late and wished to speak again. About what, he wasn't sure, but the mage certainly could be talkative. 

Across the tower, Anders was laying in his own bed, watching the guardsman walk by before slipping out of his bed and making his way back to templar chambers with a change of underclothes and a suspiciously excited look on his face. 

"Cullen?" 

There was a knock on the door, and Cullen jumped to attention, his book dropping to the floor with a thud as he hopped out of bed. The door sometimes got stuck and became difficult to open, and he didn't dare complain about the status of something so trivial as a door to any of his higher-ups. Opening the door, Cullen found himself face to face with Anders. 

"Get in, you're so loud, Maker's breath." He whispered hastily, grabbing Anders by the wrist and nearly dragging the mage inside for fear of discovery. 

Anders winced and tugged his arm away, looking cross. "What was that for?" 

"You were in the hallway." Cullen attempted to explain, shutting the door and locking it, although he left the key hanging on the doorknob in case Anders should leave during the night. 

"Yes, I was. You do realize that tugging me around is not really the best way to see my nicer side. Right? Not that you've ever seen the nicest side of me. Honestly, you haven't even gotten me naked yet. Just so you know, my nicer side is the right hand one." Anders turned away from Cullen, walking over to the be and taking off his shoes as he slung his linen bag of smalls on a nearby chair. 

"Right, no tugging." Cullen mused to himself, fighting the urge to straighten Anders' boots to line up perpendicular to the bed. Templars had to keep a relatively clean room, and although mages certainly had it worse, Cullen didn't wish to somehow incur the wrath of the inspector. It didn't come to mind that the disorderly nature of Anders' shoes would probably not be the most controversial part of their placement in his room, and Cullen didn't even consider the fact that the shoes would be long gone before any inspections were to happen. He was lost in thought for at least a minute before his mind returned to the conversation at hand. "Wait, _naked_?"

"Naked what?" Anders had picked up Cullen's book and was leafing through it. "This is honestly the dullest thing I've ever read. Is this man supposed to be the hero? Why is he wearing nothing but a lion skin? You have nearly all the books in the world at your metal plated fingertips and yet you read the one where Ser Muscles goes around seducing dragons and killing people. Or is it the other way around. My way's better. Cullen?"

Cullen was too busy trying to remember what Anders had said about being naked to take the criticism of his book to heart. "You, naked."

"If you insist. I didn't really think you'd be so forward about it, though." Anders rolled his eyes, putting the book down on the bed and moving the pillows so that he could sit next to the book. 

"What? No, you said something about being naked. I was just..repeating that you said that you could have been maybe naked." Cullen looked at his feet, suddenly wondering why he couldn't simply think of something a little bit more charming to say. 

"I'm not naked, Cullen. Fully clothed, right here." Anders was slowly becoming more and more exasperated. 

"I _know_ that. You just were talking about being naked and I..."

Anders moved the pillows around again, laying back on the bed as he reached an arm up. "You're speaking nonsense. Come here, you."

Cullen wasn't quite sure what to do. Anders had his arm up, which meant that he was expecting Cullen to lay on the bed. However, the arm was near the side of the bed, which meant that Cullen was either meant to lay on the ground, or he was just meant to lay on top of Anders. This was a situation he hadn't prepared for - he had assumed they'd just go right to sleep. Clearing his throat, he slowly lowered himself on top of Anders, one arm holding his weight up as he ensured that he wouldn't crush Anders. 

"You're just going to hover?" Anders gave Cullen a somewhat teasing look. "I sort of thought this was more atmospheric for a kiss, unless hovering is more romantic where you're from."

"Uh.." Cullen froze, looking down at Anders with trepidation. 

"Right...rules." Anders tried to make things less awkward by leading the conversation into a similar area with less physical contact. "You don't smite me, you don't silence me, and that magebane you have somewhere in here doesn't make it into my sight. Got it?" He reached a hand up to Cullen's face to run his thumb across the other man's stubble. "I won't use magic unless you ask me to, anything you want to add? We don't have to do any of this, although kissing is kind of nice." 

"I..uh, right. Nothing to add. You're..." Cullen's eyes tried to follow Anders' thumb and failed, so he turned back to the mage's face. "I've never done anything like this before."

"What, breaking the rules? Kissing? Both?" Anders asked, wondering if perhaps he'd overwhelmed Cullen. He was really just looking for a little fun, and he hadn't been lying - there was potential in Cullen that he hadn't seen in any of the other templars. 

"The kissing and the other..none of it with someone else." Cullen admitted, wondering if perhaps he should look away from Anders. Any shame that he might have had admitting that among his colleagues wasn't there with Anders, thankfully. Maybe it was the way the mage was looking up at him in such a way that it made his chest ache. 

"You want to not do anything? We can just cuddle, I can go back to my bed, too. Although yours really is enviable. Plus, the privacy is incredible. To be honest, this is new for me too. Sort of, I mean, not particularly, but in a way it is. Plus, I've never had the chance to go slow before. You're not going to be bothered tonight, the door is locked, we're here without worrying that anyone is going to round the corner and see me with my robes up. Cullen?"

Cullen let out what might have been a bit of a whine as he shook his head. "I want to. Maker, you're sure you're okay with it? You said we couldn't be friends."

"People who aren't friends can have sex, as long as they're both interested in the end result, I don't see why it matters." 

"But I.." Cullen struggled to find the words to explain his objection. "It's fine for some people, I don't think it's what I'm really prepared for. Not being friends."

"You're a romantic." Anders practically breathed the words as the corners of his mouth turned up in a smile. "Cullen, my reluctance to tie myself to a templar isn't exactly the only thing keeping an actual romance from happening. You know that, right? It's easier this way. You do know you can lay down beside me, right? Your arm must be getting tired."

Cullen nodded as he moved beside Anders and lay on the other, more open, side of the bed. "I know."

"You're sweet. You know, one day when I'm out of here and you've finally realized you're better than all this, maybe we can have a house in the countryside with a cat and an apple tree, and we can make each other nice meals and live together." Anders rolled onto his side so that he could face Cullen, looking a little wistful as he did so. 

"A mabari." Cullen muttered. 

"A...oh, Andraste's tits, a _mabari_. Fereldens are incorrigible." Anders looked exasperated but amused as he grinned. "Three cats and you have a deal."

" _Three?!_ I've known you for years and I never thought you'd force upon me not two but three cats." Cullen was having fun, although the situation currently in question was incredibly illegal, living with an apostate, he could practically picture the little cottage in his mind, cats being chased around by the mabari as Anders lazed around and sometimes helped give their garden a little boost with some rain on days when it wasn't mean to be rainy. In fact, Cullen wasn't sure he minded the illegality, and he sighed a little wistfully as the image left his mind. 

"I guess you don't know me too well, then." Anders jested, his hand moving to Cullen's waist. 

"Well maybe I'd like to know you better, then." Cullen applauded himself internally for sounding so breathtakingly smooth. 

"You can, I promise." Anders' brown eyes met Cullen's as he moved a little closer. 

"Can I kiss you now?" Cullen asked, looking nervous but not wanting to lose the momentum he'd set up. 

Anders laughed - it was a breathy thing that lasted only a moment, but the smile lines around the mage's eyes remained as he nodded. "That is what I've been trying to get you to do. Don't worry about a thing, either. I've got you." 

Cullen nodded, closed his eyes, and finally leaned in for a kiss.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part I of II smut

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah ok I'm pretty much as much of a writing tease as Anders is a tease tease

Cullen wasn't sure anything in the world existed besides Anders. If asked, he probably couldn't tell where his own feet were, although he certainly hoped nobody would come inquiring of that at such an hour. He imagined he would probably look debauched - a mage on top of him, eyes full of a want that had previously only been half real, and fully clothed no less. 

The fantasy of what was happening, Cullen believed, must have started with Anders' hands. After they kissed, the mage had gotten exceedingly handsy, and although the kiss itself had been nice, Anders appeared to be incredibly ready to move onwards with things. His hands had made their way under Cullen's shirt and in his hair, and nearly everywhere else with the exception of the one place Cullen thought they might be needed most of all. That problem had thankfully been fixed incredibly quickly, as Anders' hips started rocking, moving to a beat that tantalized and frustrated in equal measure. 

Then there was Anders' back. He would move it ever so slightly for one rock of his hips, and then he would gasp a little in reaction and arch it, his eyebrows peaking for a moment before he would lean in for another kiss. Cullen watched with amazement as Anders climbed on top of him, and it all started anew. They moved together in a way Cullen thought this sort of synchronization was reserved only for heroes in his stories - those with chemistry formed with decades of battle at one another's sides - yet despite the fact that he had never known Anders in this way before, this felt as natural as breathing (albeit a little more nerve-wracking).

Cullen's hands had made their way back to Anders' waist, although one of them was slowly creeping its way down to the mage's ass. Noticing, Anders' lips turned up in a smirk as he wiggled it a bit, causing an entirely new sensation of movement against Cullen's member. 

"Ah.." He gasped, eyes moving open as he removed the offending hand. 

"Finally, you make a noise. You do know the walls in here aren't made of paper." Anders said as he continued with the movement of his hips just so, and Cullen could feel a bead of wetness smear itself on his nightclothes - making his tip even more sensitive than it had been before, as the fabric was now a little closer to his cock. 

" _Anders_ " Cullen whined, his hand hanging in the air unsure of what it was supposed to do now that it had been removed from its location. 

"Come on, make noise if you want, and for Maker's sake put your hand back. You can touch, I promise." Anders murmured, his eyes half lidded as he moved his hips down to Cullen's and stayed there, the rocking motions nearly imperceptible to anyone who wasn't paying attention. His back, Cullen noticed, was arched in such a way that let the mage look down at Cullen while still keeping contact in that deliciously perfect way. 

Cullen pulled his eyes away from the mage for a second to look at his hand, as if to remind it not to get too rambunctious, before he returned it to Anders' back. Glancing up at Anders, Cullen found a somewhat amused face looking back down at him. Sighing, he nodded, stopped denying himself, and let his hand move down to Anders' ass, messing with the robes a bit before squeezing gently. 

"That doesn't feel too appreciative." Anders muttered, backing up into Cullen's hand a bit to try and get some more contact. 

"I _am_ appreciative..trust me! I.." Cullen felt quite awkward now, and he blushed furiously, unsure if he should remove his hand or just kiss Anders again and go with that. He decided to do the latter, leaning up and giving the mage a few apologetic kisses before going in for a deeper one. 

With a _mmm_ Anders nodded, returning the favor and trailing some kisses down Cullen's neck as response. "I'm feeling the appreciation now. Starting to think I should give you a bit of my own, actually. Do you mind if I take off your clothes, ser?"

"Don't call me ser in bed! Maker's breath, what are you _doing_ , Anders?" Cullen was cut off from further protestations as Anders looked up, his lips a bit pouty as he glanced guiltily down at Cullen's nipple and back up at the astonished templar. Sighing, the mage let go of Cullen's shirt, permitting it to return to its original position.

"Erogenous zone, usually. No? There are other things I can do with my mouth." The rebound was instantaneous, and Anders patted Cullen on the chest, as if to say _see, no harm done_. "Actually, though, do you mind if I take of your clothes?"

"No, I don't...wait.." Cullen paused, and Anders did so with him, looking up from where he had been planning his next move. 

"We can stop."

Cullen looked up at the ceiling, wondering what he should do. "I want it, I really, really...you're so wonderful."

Anders smiled at that - he loved compliments, and fought the urge to lean down and kiss the nervousness off Cullen's face. This wasn't his time, after all. 

Cullen moved his hands to the bed before reaching one up to rest against Anders' cheek. "We can talk after?" He had never been so nervous, or so excited. It was something new and he wanted it, Maker, he wanted it, but along with it he wanted all the things that came with a normal relationship. He supposed he should have considered that when he signed up for the order, but of course, as a young boy he hadn't thought much about being in love, whatever that meant. He wasn't planning on falling in love with Anders, of course, but he still wanted to keep _something_ more than sex between him and the mage. He wasn't sure if he could have it any other way. 

"Of course." Anders' eyes softened even more, if that was possible, and he leaned into Cullen's touch slightly. "You really took that 'we can't be friends' thing to heart, didn't you. Cullen..I don't really have too much to give. But if I can give anything, this is it. Trust, I mean, not sex. Trust is sort of big. Bigger than friendship. I have friends I don't trust. But you've got me here, that's good, right?"

"I..." With a look into Anders' eyes, Cullen knew the mage was telling the truth. Friendship was dangerous, love even more so, sex was likely somewhere in between, but trust was paramount to any friendship or love, and from what Cullen knew of the life of a circle mage, he understood the value of trust over nearly anything. "Okay."

"You're sure?" Anders asked, wishing for the first time in a while that he could truly find something more to give. 

"Completely." Cullen was starting to get absorbed again - he couldn't stop looking at Anders' eyes, until the mage leaned in and gave him another perfect kiss, which he leaned up into just a bit, for reasons he wasn't quite sure of. 

"You tell me if you change your mind, okay?" Anders whispered, his hips starting up their movement again as he started working at getting Cullen's clothes off. 

"Yes, yes, Maker.." 

"We haven't even started yet, you're ridiculously eager. Sit up, you beautiful bastard. I want to see all of you."


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Writing sex is so exhausting for me and I can only write like on paragraph at a time which is why this took ages to post. 
> 
> Which means all my dreams of writing smut are pretty much out the window. 
> 
> This is also pretty awkward as far as sex goes. It is Cullen's first time and Anders likes to make sure everyone is doing okay. They're both pretty good at talking while turned on, apparently.

Anders had moved to sit beside Cullen on the bed, much to the frustration of some traitorous part of both of them that just wanted _closer_ and seemed to want to just forget that clothing existed altogether. Cullen thanked the Maker for Anders' self control, as the mage started getting both of them undressed. Moments earlier, Cullen had tried tugging at Anders' shirt just a bit, in an effort to get it off a little faster, but the mage had given him such a strange look that he had retreated and was now subject to Anders' hands and eyes roaming over his chest. 

"I..carrying a sword and all that armour, you know, helps with the muscle tone." He offered, unsure of what he was supposed to be doing right now. He was, after all, nearly naked. His smalls certainly didn't leave much to the imagination, and given his current arousal, imagination was pretty much sitting at the bottom of Lake Calenhad. 

Anders sighed, taking his hand away. "Now really isn't the time to be going over your workout routine. After all, I..." He paused, looking down at his knees for a bit before looking back up at Cullen. "Now I feel like I've got to compete. I don't, really. I mean, mages and templars, different stuff altogether. Do you think you weigh more because of the lyrium? Silly question, I know, but if it's in your body, it is a metal, or a stone, or something." 

"Anders, about now not being the time, I think lyrium could...if it could stay out of the conversation." Cullen could tell Anders was stalling, although he wasn't sure why. Anders was the experienced one after all - he knew what his body liked and how to do things to make it good and...

Cullen stopped and looked at Anders for a second before realizing that right now, Anders probably _didn't_ know everything about how to do things this way. He was different, now, after all, and if he hadn't told anyone, that meant he probably hadn't shown anyone, which meant that right now, they both were a little lost, admittedly for different reasons.

"Why don't you kiss me?" Anders suggested, taking Cullen's silence for hesitation. 

"Again?" Cullen had realized over the course of the night that he liked kissing. In fact, he liked it a lot. In bed it felt erotic, it made him want things in a way he barely allowed himself to think around other people before, and it felt incredible, knowing he could pull Anders close and kiss him again and again until they were sated and in the state of bliss that came after release that Cullen had only known before while alone in his room. 

"Yeah, if you do it, I'll take my shirt off. I mean, you're looking at me right now, what if I got something wrong? I studied medical books and diagrams and even a cadaver or two, not to mention uh..live subjects, but what if it looks weird?" Anders was trying to make light of his anxieties, although it didn't appear to be working, and Cullen wasn't sure if mentioning cadavers was a good tactic when trying to get someone to initiate a kiss. Thankfully, Cullen wasn't incredibly particular, and he nodded, leaning in and starting to kiss Anders again - more confident now that he'd done it a few times. It didn't hurt that Anders was so _responsive_ , either. He would whine and arch his back and move closer and when he pulled away, Cullen averted his eyes to find himself met with another kiss just seconds afterwards, this time with a little less fabric between the two of them. 

"You okay?" Cullen asked, wanting to make sure before he started touching a little more. He couldn't help but admit that he wanted to touch Anders' skin and pull him closer, and feel the warmth radiating off of it as they moved together. 

"Yeah." Anders laughed a little bit, his eyes creasing at the corners as he laid a kiss on Cullen's jaw. "Yeah, it doesn't look weird does it? It'd be weird with too much muscle, can you imagine me with muscle? I.."

Cullen didn't know much about shapeshifting. He did know about Anders, however, more than he probably wanted to admit. They'd grown up together, for the most part, and Anders had been there to heal Cullen up when he'd fallen down some stairs, and Cullen had carried Anders' away after his Harrowing, and they'd once shared some putrid excuse for alcohol made in secret by an apprentice on Anders' sixteenth birthday (or what he'd decided was his birthday). During all of those interactions, he'd seen Anders and known him, but this felt different, this closeness and this exposure. It all felt incredibly real and _right_ for once, and Cullen just nodded for a moment before finally speaking. "It doesn't look weird."

Anders decided that was good enough. He could work on the compliments with Cullen later on, if there was a later on. Shaking his head, he leaned in for another kiss. "So you're not weirded out by all this magic?" His voice was taunting as he said it, and with a rush of confidence he slipped out of his smalls. 

"You're magic." Cullen responded, his chin tilting a little bit up as kisses started moving down his neck. "You're not weird."

"I'm a little weird." Anders smiled at that, looking over at Cullen as he sat back up. "I like it that way. And I also like being magic, whatever that means. I think you can be a little magic too, honestly. You look magic. I'm just the mage."

"And I'm the inadequate templar, or whatever. Anders?"

"Yeah?"

"Can I look?"

"Look where?" Anders appeared puzzled, shifting around a bit atop the covers. He was becoming more and more aware of his nakedness, and eventually Cullen's proposition made sense to him. "Oh, right. Ah..if you want to. It doesn't glow or anything, the spell was a one time thing, really."

"You don't have to explain yourself." Cullen shrugged, looking at Anders before staring at the wall. "What answer was that? I don't think I got a yes or a no and I just want to be sure."

"I'm not naked so you can _not_ look at me. Although I wouldn't mind it if I wasn't the only one devoid of my smalls, Cullen." Anders' smalls were far too far away to get them and put them back on now, and he knew Cullen wasn't going to be surprised at what he saw - at least not a great deal. Cullen had been aware of the spell Anders had been planning on using, and so there wouldn't need to be any fear about him getting reported for using illegal magic. 

"Oh, right." Cullen was still looking at the wall. "Was that a yes or a no?" He really didn't want to mess this up. 

Anders thought Cullen was being incredibly endearing, and he smiled. "It's a yes. No poking, although I wouldn't mind a stroke or two." His voice turned into what could be mistaken for a purr at the last couple words. It was incredibly sexual, and it reminded Cullen that he was in bed with a naked man, and was about to be naked himself, and they were going to have sex. 

Cullen slipped out of his smalls, unsure if he could touch himself, or maybe he should just wait. It appeared as if Anders was trying not to look too preoccupied with his body, although the mage wasn't doing a particularly good job. His eyes were roving over Cullen's chest and trailing down to the denser hair below his navel with a hunger and a vulnerability that Cullen assumed was reflected in his own eyes. 

The only thing that told Cullen that Anders' had achieved any of this by magic was the fact that he'd said so. Blonde hair dusted slightly broader shoulders, and his chest was flat - the ribs below it enough to prove the fact that Anders did not get enough to eat on a regular basis. Then there was the matter of his cock. Cullen wanted to touch it, the skin on it looked sinfully soft, and it rested on hair slightly lighter than Cullen's own.

"Cullen, despite the fact that we've got a lot of time, I'd really like to spend at least half of it asleep, which means you can't stare like that forever." Anders shifted around, looking at the ceiling and wondering if it was similar to all the other ceilings in the tower.

"You're very..good looking, Anders." Cullen blushed, hoping he hadn't seemed too presumptuous. "You can look at me too, I suppose. Not that you haven't already."

Anders laughed a bit, his gaze turning back to Cullen. "I take pride on being good looking, although not too good looking. I had the chance, you know, I could've made everything perfect. Eventually I decided that ten inches was a bit much." The way he said it made it obvious Anders was joking. "Never intended on things being a bit crooked, but it adds character. Cullen?"

Cullen blinked a few times, laughing along with Anders before sighing. He hadn't thought it was possible to want someone this much. Want to touch them, kiss them, feel them, give them pleasure, it was all there, and Cullen didn't know what to do about it. Not exactly, at least. In an effort to at least alleviate some of the want, he leaned in, giving Anders a deep kiss as he tried to finally lay atop the mage. 

Anders seemed to understand how to get them situated a little better, and he smiled as his hair fanned out on the pillow behind him. "Alright, then." Reaching up, he brought Cullen into another kiss, gasping into it as Cullen's hardness rubbed against his own. "Please tell me you've got oil, doing this dry isn't really going to work."

"Right, right." Cullen really didn't want to get up and move away from Anders, and he grimaced before giving the mage a parting kiss. Just for a moment, he promised himself, as he jumped out of bed to get the oil. Running back awkwardly (he was sure it looked strange - he was sporting a full erection and was completely nude, after all) he returned to find Anders casually stroking himself. "Ah." Cullen managed to utter, holding out the oil. "Got the uh..I got the oil. You're, Maker, okay."

Anders moved up, grabbing the oil and adding some to his palm before he resumed his pleasuring. "You can stand there, but I think it's more fun when both of us are in the bed."

"Right." Cullen picked up the bottle from Anders' side and poured some into his palm, looking cautiously at his cock before he started stroking it. He was no stranger to masturbation - that was for sure, but he was sure he wasn't as good as Anders at putting on a show, despite the fact that he'd certainly had more time to practice. Getting back in bed, he placed the stoppered oil on the counter for later use, and leaned back over Anders, giving him another kiss and cautiously taking the mage's cock in his hand. 

"Ohhh." Anders hips bucked up to meet him, as his eyes flashed open. "I thought I was going to have to be the handsy one." At that comment, Cullen slowed his movement, which resulted in a worried look from Anders. "No, I like it. Really."

"I'm not too much of a disappointment, then?" Cullen realized that a lack of confidence was probably not too attractive, but he didn't want to severely disappoint Anders. After all, this sort of thing was supposed to be mutual. 

"Not at all, although I bet we could make it nicer." Anders moved for another kiss before laying back down on the bed, his hips jerking up every so often as Cullen rocked his own back and forth, rubbing their members together at a leisurely rate. 

"How?" Cullen asked, wanting more but still unsure whether or not to ask for it. 

"Well.." Anders was interrupted as he gasped a bit, his eyes closing before they opened again, looking back up at Cullen. "I seem to recall you getting pretty worked up when I brought up you taking my ass last time we spoke about this sort of thing."

Cullen's mouth opened in an expression incredibly reminiscent of a fish. "You..oh, Maker."

"Yes, I know. I'm just like the Maker, I'm incredibly powerful, and I love big, hard things up my--"

" _Anders._ " Cullen stopped moving, threatening to pull away. "Let's not."

Anders laughed, the lines by his eyes creasing a bit. "Okay, okay. Get back here, hand me the oil."

Cullen grabbed the oil without a second thought, his mind felt as if it was moving incredibly quickly, but he couldn't tell what it was he was thinking about. Anders, probably. The speculation was removed as Anders moved around a bit, adjusting Cullen's position on top of him as he started teasing at his ass with his fingers. The mage's hips bucked up into his hand every so often as he slid a second finger in, and Cullen leaned down to kiss him, running a hand through Anders' hair as he watched. 

"You alright?" Anders asked, as if he wasn't the one currently with his own fingers inside himself. 

Nodding, Cullen took a deep breath. "You look so incredible."

If nothing else, Cullen's willingness to speak his mind was charming. It certainly wasn't dirty talk - it was simply the templar speaking his mind, and Anders absolutely loved it. Closing his eyes for a moment, he let out a sigh, applying some more oil to his fingers before whining as he slipped a third finger in.

"Oh, Maker." Cullen breathed again, taking the bottle of oil from the mage and using it to prepare himself. "I...Anders, goodness, please." 

"Please help you form a sentence? Alright." Anders smiled a bit, taking his hand out and wiping it off on a linen he'd decided earlier would be for cleaning up before leaning up towards Cullen. "How about, 'Anders, can I please take you now?'"

Cullen nodded, letting out a relieved breath of air. "Yes, please yes."

"Maybe I shouldn't have put the please in there.." Anders was speaking to himself again before he was brought back by a touch to his cock by Cullen. Gasping in astonishment, he grinned, pulling the templar down on top of him again. "Alright, no more messing around. I want you."

Without Anders' hands, Cullen imagined he'd probably be pretty lost. Thankfully, the mage was there to guide him, and eventually he found himself breathing heavily, seated in Anders with his head resting on the mage's shoulder. 

"Fuck.." He breathed, his eyes closed shut with concentration. Slowly he raised his head, moving so he could kiss Anders, who seemed to be focusing on relaxing more than anything at the moment. "I never thought it would feel so.."

"Speechless? That's a new one. Ah.." Anders moved his hips a bit. "I am on the bottom, which means unless you want me to climb on top of you, it's your turn to put in the effort. If you don't mind." His face was red as he met Cullen's lips, giving the other man a bit of confidence as he finally found himself ready to continue.

Cullen was taken aback for a moment before he nodded, his breathing evening out before he finally started to move his hips. Gasping, Anders arched his back a bit under Cullen's frame, his knees bending as he moaned. 

"Am I doing it right?" Cullen asked breathlessly, his face a mixture of worry and pleasure. 

Anders laughed a little bit, reaching up a hand to caress a side of Cullen's face. "It feels amazing, Cullen." He smiled before his head rolled back again as the tip of Cullen's cock pressed against something inside of him. "Shit, that's new, okay. Like that, again."

Complying, Cullen continued, leaning down every so often to kiss Anders and to move closer to him. He could feel his orgasm coming after a while, the heat pooling low in his abdomen as he looked down at the mage below him who appeared to be lost in pleasure. 

"Anders, are you..a-are.." Cullen's eyes widened as the mage suddenly tightened around him. Anders was in the throes of orgasm, his toes curling as he arched and collapsed on the bed, his chest heaving with exertion. 

"Keep going, I want to see you." Anders breathed, his hand returning to run through Cullen's hair. 

Cullen had been waiting for something like that, and he finally let himself go, spending himself into Anders as he slowly pulled away. Both of them winced - oversensitive and wishing they could simply lay down and rest. Anders, however, seemed to have a bit of discipline, and he grabbed a small scrap of cloth used for polishing metal and used it to clean what he could off. 

"Anders.." Cullen whispered, watching the mage as he finally relaxed back onto the bed. 

"Yes?" Anders looked curious as he tossed the cloth somewhere on the floor. "Are you okay?"

Nodding, Cullen looked over at the mage. He had moved to lay down next to Anders, but the ache between his ribs reminded him that in every fantasy he'd have about sex, it ended with being close to someone while they slept. "Yes." He finally said, blinking once or twice to readjust himself. 

Cullen had just closed his eyes as a laugh rose up from Anders' side of the bed. 

"What is it?" He asked, a little tired but hoping it wasn't anything he'd done. 

"I came. Like, I really came, and I was so busy coming that I didn't even pay attention." Anders exclaimed gleefully, rolling over so he could look at Cullen. 

"You looked incredible when you..I, uh. At that time you were really stunning." Cullen added, a blush rising to his cheeks. 

"Thanks." Anders smiled, giving Cullen a peck on the cheek. "We've got the whole night in this room. It's not hot or anything in here, I wouldn't mind it if we got a little closer."

The warm feeling returned to the spot between Cullen's ribs, and he nodded, the blush receding for the moment. "Please."

"Please?" Anders shuffled around under the bedsheets for a moment before finding Cullen's hand. "You're asking me kindly to cuddle? Charming. Of course we can."

Without much thinking, Cullen rolled over on top of Anders, letting go of the mage's hand in favor of wrapping an arm around his side. The gesture, unfortunately, was met with a sound of exclamation from under Cullen's chest. 

"Cullen! What in the name of the Maker's sagging asscheeks are you doing?"

Cullen blinked a few times before rolling off Anders. "I was just holding you? It felt right at the time."

"You were slowly pressing all the air out of my lungs." Anders retorted, leaning in for another kiss. "You're forgiven, though. It was endearing."

Nodding, Cullen moved so he was laying shoulder to shoulder with Anders. "You can set us up comfortably."

Anders laughed a bit, nodding as he got them set up so Cullen was in the position of the big spoon. "There. All better."

Wrapping an arm around Anders' waist, Cullen couldn't help but agree. "Thank you." He murmured, his eyes closing. 

"I.." Anders paused, taking a deep breath. "I'm glad it was good for you. I liked it too, really. Thanks, Cullen."

Pressing a kiss to the back of Anders' neck, which was mostly hidden by hair, Cullen nodded. "One day..." He said, unsure of where he was going with the rest of his statement. 

"One day you'll find someone you can really make love with." Anders sighed, resting his hand on the one Cullen had resting on his waist. 

"Do you think so?" Cullen asked, his voice sounding oddly vulnerable. 

"You? Yeah, I do." Anders pushed back into Cullen's chest a bit, trying to get comfortable, or maybe just get closer. 

"Good night, Anders." Cullen mumbled, his body slowly relaxing as he closed his eyes again. 

"Good night, Cullen." Anders sighed, his eyes closing as he used the sound of Cullen's heartbeat behind him to fall asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That concludes my awkward sex segment of the story. New chapter will probably be a short timeskip followed by a LONG timeskip followed by an even LONGER timeskip. Thankfully neither of them will be hard.
> 
> Okay, I'll just be in the corner playing guild wars 2. Trahearne is a babe.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have no excuses. This was actually supposed to be _more_ sad for Cullen. Imagine that.

Light hadn't yet started to stream through the windows when Cullen awoke. Pushing aside the newly purchased woolen blanket they'd found at a market in a nearby town (if you could call it that), he leaned over to give Anders a kiss on the cheek. Much to Cullen's relief, Anders remained sleeping. Ensuring that he didn't make much noise, he shooshed the dog laying on the pile of worn furs at the foot of the bed and pulled a treat out of the nightstand, handing it to his faithful mabari Goldie who took it with a knowing look. 

Anders would usually start the stove with magic, but Cullen preferred to do it his way, and since Anders was asleep, there was only one way to do it anyways. Grabbing some wood from the stack outside, he carefully blew on the embers from last night, stuffing in some kindling as he slowly worked the fire back to life. While he waited, he opened the window a crack and walked outside, getting a few eggs from the hens and some herbs from the garden, along with some potatoes, before going back inside. The fire was at a good temperature by then, and he took a pan down from the rack on the wall before beginning to cook. 

He had just finished the potatoes (fried with spices and onions) when Anders woke up. Rising from bed, he blinked a few times before smiling, his hair a bit of a mess as he swung his legs off the bed and walked over to Cullen, who had needed to force himself not to leave the stove and the egg he was currently frying in order to give Anders a good morning kiss. 

Wrapping his arms around Cullen's waist, Anders moved up to stand behind him. "Cullen."

"Hm?" Cullen was pretending to be aloof, although it wasn't working particularly well. "You're awake? Good morning."

"Good morning." Anders repeated, going up on his tip-toes to see what Cullen was cooking before sinking back down to the floor. "It was my turn to get the eggs."

"They like me more." Cullen replied, trying not to mess up the sunny-side up egg he was cooking. He was referring to the hens, who would peck Anders up every time he went near them. The mage healed himself, of course, but not without a bit of whining. 

"I like you too. More than the hens do." Anders squeezed Cullen a bit before retreating, a smile still on his face.

Cullen had finished the breakfast by the time Anders had found a seat at the table (which Cullen had built himself, and was very proud of). "And I like you." He replied, handing Anders a plate full of the food he'd prepared. 

"Well, I love you. And your breakfast skills." Anders looked up at Cullen, who sat across from him and reached a hand across the table. Taking it, Anders smiled, looking down at his plate as Cullen replied.

=====

"I love you." 

Cullen opened his eyes. 

Anders was still asleep, snoring in a very ungraceful way as he sprawled across Cullen's chest. The room felt stale and cold - Cullen remembered the smell of the farmhouse so vividly that he was pretty sure everything would feel stale until he managed to go outside. In the meantime, he'd pretend he hadn't just said that out loud. Maker, he hadn't even _meant_ it. In the dream he had, of course, but he barely knew this Anders. The real Anders, not the one who had loved him in his dream in a fantasy farmhouse away from any sort of rationality or danger. 

He hadn't realized he'd been holding Anders so tightly while he had been contemplating until he heard a disgruntled sound coming resonating from below the head of messy blonde hair that Cullen wanted desperately to run his fingers through. 

"Cullen, I'm not a pillow. Ow, Maker's balls you're strong." Anders shifted around a bit, lifting his head and sighing as Cullen loosened his grip. "Morning."

"Good morning." Cullen lost the fight with himself to not touch Anders' hair, and his hand started taking out the knots as it moved through the mage's locks. 

Anders merely smiled, leaning down to give Cullen a kiss. "You look like you've seen a spirit. What's wrong, Cullen?"

Cullen waved his other hand in the air. "Nothing."

"I didn't do anything last night that was--"

"No!" Cullen interrupted, the look of concern on Anders' face too out of place for him to even let the mage finish the sentence. "No, no." The hand in Anders' hair trailed over to his cheek, and Cullen relaxed. "Just a dream."

"First time in a while I've not had to be worried when someone says that. No possession for you." Anders joked, his eyes shining as the tiredness wore off. "What was it about?"

"Us." Cullen looked to the side, a little embarrassed. 

"We've known each other for so long, you don't have to be embarrassed." Anders smiled reassuringly. "Unless it was dirty, you can't think dirty thoughts in bed, Andraste might hear."

"That's absolute crap, Andraste had kids!"

"And two husbands." Anders laughed, sighing after a while. "Describe it to me."

"It wasn't dirty." Cullen said, sighing as he looked up at the ceiling. "It was our farmhouse."

"Oh, yes, right, the one we own." Anders snarked, feeling bad afterwards as he realized the look of childlike joy on Cullen's face as he remembered the dream. 

"The mabari was there, and the cats, probably. And you." Cullen felt like a fool. 

"Maker, you're going to break my streak." Anders mumbled under his breath before returning to the conversation. "Want to run to the dining hall and grab us some breakfast? I've seen templars taking it to go before. We can have breakfast in bed, and you can tell me all about your dream."

Nodding, Cullen gestured for Anders to move off him. Flopping to the other side of the bed, Anders smiled again and sighed. "I'd really like some eggs, if you don't mind.

Cullen found that he didn't mind at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The mabari being named Goldie was a joint effort between Cullen and Anders. Cullen was going through withdrawls and Anders was like "what's valuable and comes from the ground and isn't lyrium." so he bought Cullen a gold ring and a golden mabari and saved his incredible naming skills for the cats. (Dream cats and dream dogs, of course.) etc.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You know when you go back and read you old writing just for fun and realize that you didn't finish a chapter and so never posted it? And so you decide, hey, why not post it? I wrote this a year and a half ago but honestly it feels way longer than that? Two years at least, I swear. 
> 
> What a wild ride~
> 
> (this fic will never be finished unless a new DA game comes out in which case prepare yourselves for more, probably)

_Written on a scrap of paper in the middle of Cullen's private journal:_

_Day 3: We discussed food. Anders only pretends to be picky. Note to self: buy honeycomb when in town next. Also sweets._

_Day 6: Review stances 15-21, 25. Anders left his smalls here on purpose. I saw him in the hallway and all he did was smile. _

_Day 7: SHAVE. He returned to "get his smalls" last night. Maker._

_Day 9: List of gifts complete, see pg. 22 at orange thread bookmark._

_=====_

__

"Cullen."

It was late, and Cullen was sitting in the dining hall alone. There were a few mages clustered around what seemed to be an empty bottle at the other side of the room, but he had decided to ignore it. He was off duty, after all. He had been contemplating the meat pie he'd been given when Anders walked up to him and sat himself down. 

"Maker's breath, Anders." Cullen nearly jumped as he looked at the mage, whose arms were full of what appeared to be a jute bag full of strangely shaped objects. 

"You and I need to have a discussion." Anders replied, his eyes narrowing a bit as he looked down at Cullen's half eaten dinner. 

Cullen simply looked up at Anders and nodded, his mouth unfortunately full of pie at the moment. 

"I love presents, Cullen, really I do, but this is a little too much." Anders slung the bag onto the table, looking uncommonly cross. "Every day, something new stuffed under my bed or in my dresser or in the drawer where I keep my smalls. Where do I keep all this? You're not one for getting me in trouble, it's usually the other way around, yet I keep having to come up with ways to hide all these tokens you keep..." He paused, suddenly realizing that Cullen's face was growing more and more guilty, and not in a joking or cheerful way. "Cullen?"

Cullen sighed, his guilty face turning into one of mild rejection as he put his fork down. 

"If I didn't know better, I'd think you were courting me. Wait, are you courting me?" The realization came on Anders a few moments too late, as he suddenly realized why Cullen was looking so peculiarly sad. 

"Well, I was _attempting_ to. Maybe." Cullen rubbed the back of his neck - or he tried to, hindered by the great deal of armor in his way. 

Anders wanted to hug the man. Or, perhaps do a bit more than that. However, the sentiment still held. " _Cullen_."

"I know." Cullen turned to Anders, checking to make sure nobody was within earshot before continuing. "I know. I'll return what I can."

Knowing that this was no way to leave a conversation, Anders offered Cullen a small smile. "I'll be by later, your quarters, alright? We can talk."

Cullen nodded, and before he knew it Anders was gone, having departed with the bag of gifts without a sound.

=====

"Everyone thinks only those trained in lockpicking can open these bastards. So, naturally..." Anders grunted, a splash of summoned water falling on the ground out of the hole in a lock he'd requisitioned. It didn't go to anything, and he was trying something new. Cullen watched in amusement as Anders fumbled with manipulating the ice spell. "Naturally I have to prove them wrong. If I take the water and then freeze it slowly to push the things up just the right.. shit." Anders dropped the lock to the ground, pouting a bit. 

"Trouble?"

"You guessed my middle name. Well, I suppose I'd need a last one for that, but whatever, just make Anders my last name too. Or 'Fels', that way you'd get the whole regional package. Anders Fels, get it?" He sighed, drying up the water on the floor with a quick heat spell before laying back and looking up at Cullen on the bed. "What do you think it should be?"

"Hm? What do I think about what?" Cullen leaned forward a bit, checking to make sure Anders hadn't lit anything on fire. 

"Last names."

"Oh, right, Rutherford."

"What?" Anders eyes widened.

"My last name, it's Rutherford."

" _Your_ last name? Cullen, were you even listening?"

Cullen stammered for a moment before looking down at his feet, guilty. Standing up, Anders abandoned the lock on the floor in favor of moving over to the bed and sitting down beside the other man. "You ought to learn to focus better. It's something mages have to learn to do, I'll have to teach you sometime."

"How can you teach me to focus when you're always being so _distracting_ " Cullen hoped he wasn't being mean by saying it. Thankfully, it seemed Anders took the statement as a compliment. 

"I focus on being distracting." Lying back on the bed, Anders motioned for Cullen to join him in the relaxed pose, only to frown as the templar shook his head.

"Our conversation, from before." Cullen clarified, steeling himself. "You know, about the, about my attempting to try to see if I could court you."

Wondering if Cullen could sound any less sure of himself if he tried, Anders sat up. "You can't actually court me, you know. Neither of us are really of that social class anyways and I honestly don't think anyone would approve. Technically, we're not even supposed to be engaging in whatever this is.."

Cullen seemed to deflate a bit, his broad shoulders looking barely there with the way he was sitting. "I know I shouldn't. All of it should stop."

Anders bit his lip, shuffling over on the bed so he could sit beside Cullen. "You don't sound too sure."

"Would you be sure if you were me?" The look Cullen gave Anders was defeated and cautious, as if Cullen wasn't exactly sure he wanted to know the answer. Huffing a bit in indignation, Anders leaned in and gave the taller blonde a kiss, wanting nothing more than to remove the anguish on his current partner's face. Cullen leaned into it, seeming to forget his reluctance for a moment before pulling away. 

"I wouldn't be sure, but I also have no idea what it's like to be you. Probably a lot heavier, all that armour. I'm also not that good at being sure about anything, I usually just do whatever it is I'm considering no matter what." Anders rested a hand on Cullen's shoulder, trying to cheer him up. "If you're worried about not being a good templar, being with me, I promise that's not what the rules are there for. Maybe if I was some other mage who was scared of what a templar could do to me, but I know your weak spots, Cullen Rutherford, and I could get out of here faster than you could smite me if things came down to it."

"It's not...it's the _ideal_ of it, Anders. I'm supposed to be protecting you, not.."

"Screwing me? Cullen, if you don't mind me saying it, I feel pretty safe in your arms." Anders blushed a bit, his ears turning pink under his hair as he looked over at Cullen. "If you want this to stop, it can, but don't do it just because you care more about what the rules want than what you do."

Cullen squeezed his eyes shut, taking a few breaths before opening them again. "Thank you, really. I have tried to make myself clear, about what I want, I mean. To be allowed to be _with_ you.."

"Cullen, we can't have that. You know we can't." Anders' tone was full of compassion as he struggled to maintain his composition. "I wish I could give it to you."

Cullen nodded, twiddling his thumbs nervously. He hadn't been expecting any other answer. 

"Lay down, if you get it off your mind you'll feel better." Anders crawled backwards on the bed before laying on it, an arm reaching up towards Cullen yet again. 

Cullen turned to face the mage, his eyes betraying much of the hurt behind them as he shifted to lay next to Anders, pushing the mage's hand down as he turned to face him, laying down.

"Are you okay?" Anders asked, moving slightly nearer to the other man.


End file.
